


POV: I'm Your Vampire Dad

by leafyy



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, TikTok, honestly i have no idea what to tag this, maybe i'll change the title too who knows, rated teen and up for swearing, tags will be updated as i release more chapters, this is bad but on purpose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28617570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leafyy/pseuds/leafyy
Summary: watch the video by danny gonzalez of the same title or this will make no sense at allif you dont want to, basically a dumbass girl named (Y/N) dates a stalker, then a serial killer, then the son of a gang boss, then maybe someone else who knows
Relationships: Original Male Character/Reader
Comments: 13
Kudos: 105





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is fuckin weird man idk what to tell you

Chapter 1

~flashback to 3 months ago~

You're at your friend Valerissa's house, changing in the bathroom and getting ready to spend the night. Someone knocks at the door. "Come in!" You reply, expecting it to be Valerissa. Instead, her brother walks in.

"Hey, can you hurry-" he stops, staring at you. "I didn't know you were spending the night." He looks you up and down, smirking.

"I'll be out in a second," you say.

"No, take as long as you need." Smirking, he closes the door.

_ How romantic, _ you think as you continue changing. Once you finish, you head over to Valerissa's room.

"Hey, Val?"

"Yeah, (Y/N)?"

"Your brother's kinda hot. Can I ask him out?"

She laughs. "Sure, but be warned, he's annoying as F."

"Oh, I'm sure that's not true." You smile.

~flash-forward to now~

It's been a month since you broke up with Valerissa's brother. He was pretty chill about it at first, and you were still sort of friends, but then he started stalking you. Both on social media and in real life. It got so bad that yesterday, you decided to block him. On everything.

Now, you're on the couch in your living room, watching Danny Gonzalez with Valerissa. Despite all the stuff with her brother, you're still best friends.

All is well until you hear a strange knocking coming from the window. "Hmm, that was strange," you say.

Valerissa sits up and pauses the TV. "I'm gonna check that out," she says. "Maybe it's the pizza delivery guy." You let her go to the window, not thinking anything of it. Sure, you live in a third-floor apartment, but you never knew with those delivery people.

"Oh my god, it's my brother!" She cries. You stand up immediately.

"Your brother? As in my stalker ex-boyfriend?!" You say, shocked. "But he would never stalk me all the way to my house after I blocked him on everything and spent the day watching cool youtubers with you!"

"OMG, totally! This is crazy!" She pauses for a moment, then screams. "Oh no! He's opening the window because it's unlocked!"

Valerissa watches him in horror, standing in one place and not moving. He sticks his legs through the window and plants his feet on the ground, then he pulls his upper body in.

Slowly, he stands upright. " **Pick up the phone, baby,** " he sings, as one does. " **I know you're home, baby.** "

You gasp.  _ He must have put a tracking device on my phone! _ "Nooo! Please, stalker ex-boyfriend, I'm sorry!"

"There's no excuse now," he says. "Hey Valerissa, there's a cute boy in one of the first-floor bathrooms."

"OMG really?!" Understandably, she runs out.

"Ha ha ha," he laughs evilly. "Now there's nobody here to save you." Then, he starts dancing. But not just any dance… a TikTok dance.

"No!" You cry. But it's too late. His moves are so fresh that you pass out on the floor.

***

When you wake up, the first thing you notice is that you seem to be moving.  _ I should open my eyes, _ you think, but then you realize they're already open. You also realize that your arms and legs are tied. You try to sit up, but you hit your head on the low ceiling.

_ Hold on a second. I'm in the trunk of a car! _ You're proud of yourself for having come to this conclusion so quickly, but you have no idea how to get out. If only you had taken Street Smarts with Detective J.J. Bittenbinder.

In almost no time at all, you feel the car roll to a stop. The trunk opens up, and light pours in.

"Hello there," your stalker ex-boyfriend says. "I have taken you to my giant warehouse that I have because of my ties to the mafia. Get her out, boys."

Two strange men wearing fake swat team outfits pick you up and start to carry you by the arms and legs towards the warehouse. But suddenly, they stop, drop your limbs, and collapse. Confused, you sit up… and gasp as you see feathered neon-orange darts in their necks.

Both you and your stalker ex-boyfriend's heads whip around to see a man jump down from the roof of another warehouse, holding a blowgun.

"My serial killer boyfriend!" You yell happily.

"That's right," he says in a dramatic voice. "And I'm here to rescue you, (Y/N)."

Your stalker ex-boyfriend scoffs. "So this is the guy you left me for? Unimpressed."

"Yeah, I am," he says. "By you." He does a series of sick backflips over to you, grabs your hand, and sprints over to the car you were just trapped in. Both of you climb into the front, and your serial killer boyfriend turns on the engine and speeds away.

"GODDAMMIT JERRY!" You hear your stalker ex-boyfriend scream. "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU LEAVE THE KEYS IN?!?!"

Your serial killer boyfriend cackles. “Where do you want to go now, babe?”

_ I want to go the fuck home, _ you think. You’re silent for a moment, wondering if you should say it or not.

“Babe?” He repeats. “Where do you want to go?”

“...Can you drop me off at my apartment?” You ask. He looks at you, a little surprised, then back at the road. “Sure,” he says.

You drive in silence for the next few minutes, both ignoring the fact that you’re driving 50 mph over the speed limit. Finally, he pulls into the parking lot.

“Thanks, serial killer boyfriend,” you say, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“No problem,” he responds, allowing himself a small smile. You hop out of the car and stroll up to the door. Peeking through the window, you see Valerissa sitting dejectedly on the stairs, so you knock. She sees you and quickly stands up to let you in.

“Thank Danny Gonzalez you’re all right!” She says, throwing her arms around you. “I’ve been waiting for you ever since I called your serial killer boyfriend!”

“Wait,  _ you _ called him? What about the police?”

“What about them? Listen, I trust that guy a lot more than the police. At least he kills people for a reason.”

“I mean, true. Come on, let’s get back up to my room and relax.”

She nods and follows you upstairs.  _ Shit, I can’t wait to just calm the fuck down for the rest of the day. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Y/N) gets drunk with Valerissa, her stalker ex-boyfriend tries to kidnap her again, and chaos ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i said the second chapter *should* be up by the end of january ok don't get mad at me or i will unleash an army of eboys upon you

After catching Valerissa up on everything that happened, the two of you decide to have a movie marathon of every low-budget animated movie Danny Gonzalez has ever reviewed. To accompany this joyous affair, you make a three-course meal consisting of cheddar cheese popcorn, peanut butter and nutella sandwiches, and an obscene amount of ramen. You also drink a whole lot of spiced rum.

When night falls, Valerissa orders Chipotle to be delivered to the apartment.

"Wait, wait, wait," you say, giggling drunkenly. "I'm gonna prank call Burger King."

"Oh my god, do it." She takes another swig of rum directly from the bottle.

You pick up your phone and dial the number.

"Hey, it's Burger King, what do you want?"

"Burger King foot fetish," you say, and hang up.

After a heartbeat of silence, you lock eyes with Valerissa and break into a violent fit of laughter.

"What the fuck???" She cackles.

"Ihavenoidea," you reply, clutching your chest. "Let's put orange juice in the rum."

It ends up tasting great. (Or maybe it tastes horrible, you can't really tell.) When the Chipotle arrives, you manage to pay the delivery girl despite your state of absolute fucked-upness. You also give her a Ziploc bag of quarters as a tip.

Eventually, Valerissa remembers she has to go home and feed her chickens. After she leaves, you turn off the TV and lay down on the couch, scrolling through AO3 like the dumbass you are. Soon the boredom and alcohol catches up to you, and you conk the hell out.

***

A loud crashing noise brings you into a state of hazy consciousness. Through your half-open eyelids, you see a blurry human silhouette. You groan angrily and pull the covers back over your head.

"Rise and shine, sweetheart!" Trills a sinkingly familiar voice. The person yanks the blanket back off of you and hovers directly over your face.

"Stalker ex-boyfriend," you gasp.

He seductively takes off his mask. "I missed you."

You sit up, still groggy, and fold your arms. "Well, I didn't miss you."

"That's too bad, because now you're stuck with me."

"No way," you snap. "I'm not getting tied up in a trunk again. Stay away before I call the police!"

"What are they gonna do?" He scoffs. "Shoot a person of color for existing? Nice try, (Y/N). But don't worry, I swear I'll take care of you."

Thinking fast, you vault over the back of the couch and run towards the door. But your stalker ex-boyfriend expects it and launches himself over your head, landing perfectly on his feet and blocking your path. But you  _ also _ expect  _ that _ and spin around at the last second, diving through the window, which is still open from last night. In retrospect, you probably should have closed it so he couldn't get back in.

_ Oh well, the past is in the past. Right now, I have to worry about not breaking all my bones. _

You're not quite sure how to manage that, seeing as how you're soaring through the air above the parking lot with no safe way to land.

Just as you're about to give up, a trampoline unfolds out of nowhere below you. You crash onto it and thankfully don't break it. Someone climbs onto the trampoline and bounces over, crouching next to you.

When you see his face, you let out a breath you didn't know you had been holding. "Serial killer boyfriend!" You cry happily.

"That's right," he says. "I camped outside of your apartment after I dropped you off just in case, and it turns out it was a good idea after all." He grins, looking very pleased with himself.

"But where did this trampoline come from?" You ask.

"Oh, this is just my emergency portable trampoline. I always have it in the back pocket of my cargo shorts."

You nod sagely. "I can't believe my stalker ex-boyfriend tried to kidnap me again. That's totally cringechamp. I only like kidnapping if it's sexy!"

"As you should, queen," says your serial killer boyfriend. His expression darkens as he sees your stalker ex-boyfriend burst out of the apartment. "Is this guy bothering you?" He asks.

"Totally," you say. "Hide me, quick!"

"I'll do better than that," he chuckles as your stalker ex-boyfriend begins to run towards you.

Your serial killer boyfriend quickly folds up the emergency trampoline and runs up to meet him. Then he promptly starts making out with him.

Your jaw drops. "Uh- babe? Hello? I'm literally right here?"

Your serial killer boyfriend pulls away and glares at you. "Hey, can you shut up? I'm trying to smooch your ex!"

"Seriously, you think I give a shit about  _ you? _ Get outta here, I'm tryna get some serial killer action!"

You rub your forehead in distress. "Oh my god, you're literally the worst serial killer boyfriend  _ ever _ . Has this been going on the whole time? Is that why you were able to rescue me so easily last time?"

"Oh, please, (Y/N). You think you're serial killer breaking up with me? Well, I'm serial killer breaking up with you. Also, don't underestimate me! I never skip leg day."

You scoff. "Just wait until my vampire dad hears about this."

" Your what? " You hear him say quietly as you turn on your heel and power walk away. "Don't worry about it," your stalker ex-boyfriend tells him. With a huff of exasperation, you turn into a bat and start to fly away.

"Wait, she could have done that this WHOLE TIME?!?!" Your serial killer (now ex) boyfriend shouts.

"Obviously it's hard to do, dumbass! I'm only half vampire!" You bark. "If you want to find me, you know where I'll be."

"No I don't!"

***

Once you're out of range and positive your exes aren't following you, you swoop into an alleyway and turn back into a human. You're not completely sure where you are since being a bat clouds your judgement a little, so you just flew away in a random direction.

_ Maybe if I just wander around for long enough, I'll figure it out. Then I can go to my vampire dad's castle and crash there for a while. _ Of course! What a flawless plan. You step out of the alley and start walking down the street.

After about ten minutes searching for a Starbucks or something, you see a woman wearing a suit, dark sunglasses, and a black fedora who is very clearly coming straight towards you. You speed up a little and veer into the nearest alley, hoping to turn into a bat again and escape, but she follows you.

"Stop! (Y/N L/N)!" You freeze.  _ How did she know my name? _ The strange woman lifts her hands in surrender. "I'm not here to hurt you. I'm part of the Emerald Rat gang. We've been looking for you."

"What the hell do you mean 'Emerald Rat gang?' Why are you looking for me?"

The woman looks confused. "You were initiated, weren't you?"

"What the- oh my fucking god. Did my serial killer boyfriend initiate me into a gang?"

"We assumed you knew, ma'am. Here, why don't we go to the gang headquarters and sort this out?" When she sees my hesitation, she adds, "I'm required to make it sound like a choice, but it really isn't. Come on, let's go."

I nod slowly and follow her down the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for another short chapter, i probably could have made it longer but i just wanted to update this asap

**Author's Note:**

> i know this is short but don't worry it's just the beginning  
> I'm working on the second chapter now it should be up by the end of this month uwu thanks yall


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